Sunday, May 17, 2009

Big Heart - a song from Crepusculo


Even before the big loss of last year, the loss of my son, I had a bit of a continual heartache. You can hear it in the music of the past years - the melancholy with sweetness, the sadness always a little present.

I decided one day that my heart was good, with the holes, with the big feelings, with the darks and the lights. With the sadness. The ride it takes me on is important. And I would protect it, and make a safe place for it, trust it and listen to it. (More.)

Sat down at the piano, pushed record, and told my heart, "No one will ever hear this." It's easiest for me to write a song thinking that it's just in this small world of my red-walled studio and my imagination that it will exist, and it can come out safely this way. I can break the rule later.

And I started plunking the piano, felt the arpeggio of the first line come, it felt real, and I could sing it again and again and like it.

Recording the piano for Big Heart from Crepusculo on the old and singular piano at Type Foundry in Portland, you could hear the hammers and strings, the creaks of the pedal. And getting into the space of dearness, singing to my heart, is nothing but helpful, strengthening, and scary all at once.

We decided to keep it sparse, keep the drums with space between and making an impact. Tad contributed the guitars from his studio in Santa Barbara, a strong solo, and perfect support for the choruses. And we let it build up strong at the end to the declaration of "This is your song", a big celebration, a letting go, and then, a quiet thank you at the end.

To my big big big big heart
Oh my love
I will listen
Beautiful heart

Oh my big big big big heart
You love so hard,
Let me clip the wires off
You will bleed

I will build you a house
Made of earth, of my bone
It will be black as love
It will be a gracious womb

Oh my dear dear dear dear heart
Steady in me
Making me me
I thought it was too much

And I’ll hold you here my heart
Velvet dark drum
Lean against your soft thrum
Making waves through me

I will build you a house
Made of earth, of my bone
It will be black as love
It will be a gracious womb
Throw your arms up, this is for you,
Throw your arms up it's your song...

To my big big big big heart
Marching soldier
Blessed Mother
Big strong love

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