Exciting News... Recording and Baby!

Exciting news... I'm going to Portland to record some new songs for an EP!

And more exciting news... I have a baby in the belly! So much life and creativity. I feel so blessed.

I've always loved the moments on my albums where I got to sit and play piano and sing, at the same time, and let the songs roll off. I think less and enjoy it more. So I'm going to do an EP like that, with John Askew in Portland, and add some strings or organs here and there, but I'm pretty much going back the simplicity of voice and keys, rolling out together.

I wrote most of the songs last summer, thinking about my son Otto whose life was so short, who made me a mama, who gave me my heart, and broke it and then helped it grow bigger and wiser and softer. He gives me courage to sing and play and not worry. And courage to love the process, to be grateful for each moment of it. It's all a gift.

Something I want to talk about...when he died I wrote this blog, telling his story, pouring my heart out, telling the truth. And then the next entry is, "My favorite Christmas songs." Looking back I wish that I had been able to trust myself, trust you, enough to write about the depth of the darkness that I was navigating, and not just keep up a persona that I thought I should, of the musician that loves to talk about her music. It felt wrong but gave me something to focus on.

I was afraid of someone not understanding, of criticism, I was protected, which is so normal with such a loss. But now I wish I had said more, been more open with you. I am not the only one to have suffered loss. I see that more now. That I was not so alone as I felt. To read more personal entries about the time, see http://www.ottomyjoy.blogspot.com/

I released Crepusculo within a year of when Otto died, which gave me something to do and helped me survive. But part of me was crazy to do it! To promote an album in that first year of crazy grief. I cried so much. I cried when I talked to my publicist, when I talked to my consultant, just before going onstage to sing. I felt like I couldn't do it. I overslept and missed interviews. I was 6 months pregnant and driving thousands of miles to tour. I am in awe now that it happened at all. Most of me wanted to sit in the back yard, where I held Otto one afternoon, and just stare at the sky. (which I also did a lot)

Now, after 2 years of home and soaking up love of my little girl and husband, of playing piano, of taking lots of walks, I feel so much more at home in myself, understanding for myself, and love. I feel happier and more peaceful.

I'll be giving more news soon! I plan on doing a kickstarter campaign to raise money for the release of the album, and you'll hear more about that soon, plus some home recordings of new songs.

Love to all of you! Thank you.

Jessica

Holy Books - New/Used Petracovich Song

Listen to Holy Books

I remember being about 4 years old, outside our house in a grassy, golden field, by myself, and laying down, the grass towering over me, and throwing my arms out and watching the clouds move slowly across the blue sky and thinking, "This must be what GOD is."

Then came the reams of theology, words you must say, thoughts you must think, hoops you must jump through to get to GOD, to get right with GOD, layers and layers of thread wrapped around a child and adult that confuse the matter.

So this has been part of my unraveling, getting back to the pure being with that mystery, that amazing open sky, that belonging and love.

I also have dear memories of being afraid in bed at night, older, teenager, and my mom coming in to read me Bible verses to calm me and bring peace. My favorite, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you, do not be afraid." Those words felt so comforting. In the dark, in the bedroom.

For years I've had this song and think I've been afraid to show it, hurt anyone's feelings. It feels good to be honest. Because I think about GOD and the universe a lot, and love to talk about what it all means.

This is a home recording, my piano, the NORD, new vocals, written about 2004.

Windows are Open

Windows are open, cool air coming into the house. It feels like spring. I know it will go back to winter but today the air feels so good and I am just about to plant pansies and primroses outside the front door.

Life feels so good.

My little girl is napping, I have good food to eat, I have love.

This new year we are feeling more layers of cocoonness dropping off. Which is interesting because I don't know if we fully realized that they were there. For the first time since Otto died I feel like going somewhere, to travel, to visit, to see new things. It feels like a natural desire.

Such great loss really changes life. For years we are coming out of the layers of blankets, one by one. But this is not such a bad thing. It makes everything... MORE. You know that line from the song by Peter Bjorn and John, Objects of My Affection, "I laugh more often now, I cry more often now, I am more me." I love that song.

I think that now I understand, I have experienced, more about death, and it's more real that there is no way to hold on to all we have, it makes days like this immeasurably special. A day to plant flowers in early February, a day to smell the air, to take a walk with my beautiful little girl who is learning to walk and who loves rubbing her hands in dirt and sand and rocks.

It is so freeing. My life isn't measured so much in how many people like what I do, it's measured more easily in how much I am able to tune in to the wonders around me. And make it into music, or a landscape, or a drawing. It is much easier to live this way, with the support of the earth and the stars all around.

I am so grateful for this. I miss my little boy so much, and I love him so much, and I am coming out of blaming myself so much or needing to hibernate. I respect those times too. They had to happen.

And so my friends, I am writing songs again, very open, airy and meandering as I am in the phase of listening, being, and letting the next work make itself known. Waiting, unfolding, happy.

Photos of Petracovich Practice Session

Our friend Nirav Patel is an amazing photographer. When he asked to come shoot our practice session we were excited but also apologizing for the low light and cramped quarters, and not expecting such works of art.

Max and I were practicing for our San Francisco show at Hotel Utah in October. I love the feel of these, quiet and happy. Like us!

Check out Nirav's blog of the session here.

Silent Night

Free Download of Silent Night (or you can pay and donate to Care.org!)

Silent Night is so much about the nights when we would light a fire (which was every night in winter - our main source of heat in my house!). My mom used to sing this song to me as a baby. It's about peacefulness. I sing it now to both of my babies. I send them love.

I love the idea of the light coming into the darkness this time of year. I love that part of the Christmas story, the one I grew up with, of a baby coming to earth to bring us peace.

It seems to be a part of all of the stories of this time of year - lighting the minora, the solstice and the celebration of light returning to our days, celebration also of the deep darkness within. I can do without the talk of sin and even salvation. But I soak up the feeling of being ok with darkness, and loving the bits of light that come through to us.

Night is at 5pm where I live, and it's very dark, but people put tiny lights on their houses. We sit in the dark at night and look at candles. I think of my dearest baby girl who makes me laugh all the time. And I think of my dear baby boy who I miss so much right now, in big waves of love and sadness.

This time of year brings all of these things - the sadnesses, the losses, and the warm gratefulness for coffee and pie with your dad's laugh or your grandma's favorite stories. Both together - the missing and the being with people. It's intense.

I hope there is some of this warmth for you this season. I hope there is some hope. Life can be dark but there are little lights poking through that look so pretty because of the darkness they're surrounded by. It's good to feel all of these things, to be ok with all of it. Not perfection but the interesting shapes we are, with our holes and used up places too. They make us works of art.

Much love to you.

Crepusculo Released in Japan!

It's official! You can buy Crepusculo in stores in Japan and from the Nature Bliss site! We got a bunch of copies in the mail with the lyrics printed in Japanese, as well as a short interview.

It's been an honor to work with Nature Bliss. On their blog they have Crepusculo listed next to Sufjan Stevens and Aimee Mann albums, a thrill to see some of my favorite song writers next to the music we created. I get to see Sufjan on tour next week too! Exciting.

Japanese Release of Petracovich's Crepusculo October10th

Nature Bliss is releasing Crepusculo in Japan on October 10th!
Sufjan Stevensのようなフォーキー・マジカル・ポップ、そしてAimee Mannのような聴き手の心を癒す唄心を持ち合わせた作品「Crepusculo」。１枚のアルバムに潜んだストーリーと、大きな大きな愛に包まれる１枚です。

Here is a translation of what they say about the album.:

"This production/piece of work/performance integrates Sufjan Stevens’ folkie/magical/pop and Aimee Mann’s spirit-quenching heart songs. This album is one of lurking story and veiled big, big belovedness."

You can order the import here!