Babylove!

July 19th.
One of the happiest days of my life.

In a room with open windows, in the middle of the day, and kind nurses and good doctors and my love and my mom there, my new little girl arrived.  Arrived sounds so passive.  We worked hard together, and I gave birth!

And there was an amazing 3 days of just bliss, of meeting this little person that is my daughter, seeing the knees and the fingers that I felt in my belly, kissing her face, seeing her.  And then the complications of life, of easing her into our family, of hormones and healing and cooking and cleaning and visiting and sleeping and crying.  Life is good and it is everything. Hard and wonderful.

Relief. She is here.  She is here!! She is a love, a dear, beautiful, solid girl.  I am sooo happy to meet her and hold her, kiss her, know her.

And mothering is the most satisfying and most CHALLENGING job I have ever had.  It's growing me up.  I miss, oh I miss, playing the piano at will, hours on end of listening, tweeking, making sounds, or just easily reading a poem or taking a shower!  Of coarse I miss it. 

But these days don't come back, these days of tiny fingers holding my hands, of goofy smiles and peels of laughter, of hugs and comfort and such love.  Music comes from these days, music is these days too.  And the time will come back, and I will love it more than ever.  I so look forward to cherishing those hours again, and excited to play from so much love.

I do get to sit down to play, I play for my girls, my parakeet, my husband, guests, at spur of the moments, and everyone is happy, and then it becomes a duet with my 3 year old who loves to play too!  I sing all the time because that's just how I am.

And ideas brew,  and an acceptance of my heart grows, I think that songs will flow from not trying so hard.  I watch the clouds from the rocking chair where I nurse, they are different every day. Each day is so lovely and different in the sky, each day a gift. 

I am so excited to share the songs I wrote for my first baby, my Otto. Songs of love and death, love after death, love in spite of it. They are ready, and I am waiting for the ripe time to release it.  In the next few months.  I am so proud of them.

Listening

I'm seven months pregnant.

Mother's day was yesterday, a mix of beautiful roses from our yard, a sweet card from my two year old girl, pink crayon. She comes to my bed, drawing on it and says "I making a present for you." The dearest. 

Swirls of hormones, tired, a baby really growing in my body, a visit to the memorial park to see my son's stone, so many tears, so much love and so much sadness. I could have sat there all day, looking at his name, the bright roses my mom brought from her yard, the yearning of my heart to hold him.

And home-made ice cream from Screamin Mimi's, because it's one of the best things ever invented and we must live and enjoy good things.  Plus they gave out free sundaes to mamas.

And home now, the quiet of naptime, listening to mixes John is sending from the songs we just recorded. Listening with my husband for the balances, how it comes across, and tears streaming because these songs are naming our love and heartache.  We listen and cry.

Today on NPR a man was on who records sounds of nature, birds and ants and sea anenomes and beavers.  He said something like, you know they say a picture is worth a thousand words?  Well a sound is worth a thousand pictures. 

Sounds bring me to places.  In my heart, into the universe.

Recording at Secret Society in Portland

The beautiful upright grand at Secret Society

My sister Grace (Mojave Bird) taking some pics

The red carpets, kind people, soft rain outside, soft lighting, made for such an easy and beautiful space to record these songs.  The piano's sound was so full, and the strings and hammers were right at my chest and head, so I was surrounded in these beautiful tones, and the touch of the keys was so easy to play, even the low notes were easily coaxed with quiet notes.  

I set up my space with pictures of all my 3 children, my sweet Otto, the baby in the belly (ultrasound) and Luna in her zebra costume.  A bundle of sage, bringing me back to the days I lit it all the time for peace and survival in heavy grief.  There was so much love all around these songs. I listen to them now and am so full. I am excited to share them, but want to wait for the balance to come.

I recorded this bunch of songs for me, to fulfill my heart, and it has done that, is doing that. I love hearing them.  It's so wonderful to do something out of delight, and meaning more than any other purpose.

Recording Was An Amazing Experience

Portland, how beautiful you are in the Spring. Trees packed with full, white blossoms, a rainbow of tulips filling yards, daffodils and flowers that I don't know.

I am just back from recording - 3 days with John Askew at Secret Society and his studio Scenic Burrows. Pics coming soon but I left my camera there! So when it comes, you'll see this gorgeous piano, an old upright grand, that I had the honor and pleasure of playing.

This project has taken shape as a timeline of experience - the coming and passing and loving of my golden son Otto, and all that he brought us, another world, a lifetime of love and missing, a deepening. Since I am a mama of a toddler now too, music has become more simple and straightforward because that is what the shape of my life allows - so it's an album of voice and piano and full of tenderness.

The sound coming from these sessions is the most full and clear than any project I have yet done, and it is full of ambience and movement - so even though simple, it is rich and alive and stirring.

I was afraid a little, pulling up to the piano bench the first day, of what I was opening up to - what I wanted to share. But the assurances and direction that John gave made it easy, and trust is the most important aspect of recording for me. I had a perfect nest of support.

And so came the songs, live, and the experience of playing this music, of these 3 days dedicated to pouring out my heart, to singing love to my boy, and receiving back from singing the piano strings, have left me glowing and sore. It has been a sacred experience.

Part of me just wants to leave it here, safe and perfect, and yet I know this music wants to find its way in the world, and so I will see where it goes. I am so proud of it, so grateful to it, amazed at what has come out. I feel love for it.

More soon.

Exciting News... Recording and Baby!

Exciting news... I'm going to Portland to record some new songs for an EP!

And more exciting news... I have a baby in the belly! So much life and creativity. I feel so blessed.

I've always loved the moments on my albums where I got to sit and play piano and sing, at the same time, and let the songs roll off. I think less and enjoy it more. So I'm going to do an EP like that, with John Askew in Portland, and add some strings or organs here and there, but I'm pretty much going back the simplicity of voice and keys, rolling out together.

I wrote most of the songs last summer, thinking about my son Otto whose life was so short, who made me a mama, who gave me my heart, and broke it and then helped it grow bigger and wiser and softer. He gives me courage to sing and play and not worry. And courage to love the process, to be grateful for each moment of it. It's all a gift.

Something I want to talk about...when he died I wrote this blog, telling his story, pouring my heart out, telling the truth. And then the next entry is, "My favorite Christmas songs." Looking back I wish that I had been able to trust myself, trust you, enough to write about the depth of the darkness that I was navigating, and not just keep up a persona that I thought I should, of the musician that loves to talk about her music. It felt wrong but gave me something to focus on.

I was afraid of someone not understanding, of criticism, I was protected, which is so normal with such a loss. But now I wish I had said more, been more open with you. I am not the only one to have suffered loss. I see that more now. That I was not so alone as I felt. To read more personal entries about the time, see http://www.ottomyjoy.blogspot.com/

I released Crepusculo within a year of when Otto died, which gave me something to do and helped me survive. But part of me was crazy to do it! To promote an album in that first year of crazy grief. I cried so much. I cried when I talked to my publicist, when I talked to my consultant, just before going onstage to sing. I felt like I couldn't do it. I overslept and missed interviews. I was 6 months pregnant and driving thousands of miles to tour. I am in awe now that it happened at all. Most of me wanted to sit in the back yard, where I held Otto one afternoon, and just stare at the sky. (which I also did a lot)

Now, after 2 years of home and soaking up love of my little girl and husband, of playing piano, of taking lots of walks, I feel so much more at home in myself, understanding for myself, and love. I feel happier and more peaceful.

I'll be giving more news soon! I plan on doing a kickstarter campaign to raise money for the release of the album, and you'll hear more about that soon, plus some home recordings of new songs.

Love to all of you! Thank you.

Jessica

Holy Books - New/Used Petracovich Song

Listen to Holy Books

I remember being about 4 years old, outside our house in a grassy, golden field, by myself, and laying down, the grass towering over me, and throwing my arms out and watching the clouds move slowly across the blue sky and thinking, "This must be what GOD is."

Then came the reams of theology, words you must say, thoughts you must think, hoops you must jump through to get to GOD, to get right with GOD, layers and layers of thread wrapped around a child and adult that confuse the matter.

So this has been part of my unraveling, getting back to the pure being with that mystery, that amazing open sky, that belonging and love.

I also have dear memories of being afraid in bed at night, older, teenager, and my mom coming in to read me Bible verses to calm me and bring peace. My favorite, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you, do not be afraid." Those words felt so comforting. In the dark, in the bedroom.

For years I've had this song and think I've been afraid to show it, hurt anyone's feelings. It feels good to be honest. Because I think about GOD and the universe a lot, and love to talk about what it all means.

This is a home recording, my piano, the NORD, new vocals, written about 2004.

Windows are Open

Windows are open, cool air coming into the house. It feels like spring. I know it will go back to winter but today the air feels so good and I am just about to plant pansies and primroses outside the front door.

Life feels so good.

My little girl is napping, I have good food to eat, I have love.

This new year we are feeling more layers of cocoonness dropping off. Which is interesting because I don't know if we fully realized that they were there. For the first time since Otto died I feel like going somewhere, to travel, to visit, to see new things. It feels like a natural desire.

Such great loss really changes life. For years we are coming out of the layers of blankets, one by one. But this is not such a bad thing. It makes everything... MORE. You know that line from the song by Peter Bjorn and John, Objects of My Affection, "I laugh more often now, I cry more often now, I am more me." I love that song.

I think that now I understand, I have experienced, more about death, and it's more real that there is no way to hold on to all we have, it makes days like this immeasurably special. A day to plant flowers in early February, a day to smell the air, to take a walk with my beautiful little girl who is learning to walk and who loves rubbing her hands in dirt and sand and rocks.

It is so freeing. My life isn't measured so much in how many people like what I do, it's measured more easily in how much I am able to tune in to the wonders around me. And make it into music, or a landscape, or a drawing. It is much easier to live this way, with the support of the earth and the stars all around.

I am so grateful for this. I miss my little boy so much, and I love him so much, and I am coming out of blaming myself so much or needing to hibernate. I respect those times too. They had to happen.

And so my friends, I am writing songs again, very open, airy and meandering as I am in the phase of listening, being, and letting the next work make itself known. Waiting, unfolding, happy.

Photos of Petracovich Practice Session

Our friend Nirav Patel is an amazing photographer. When he asked to come shoot our practice session we were excited but also apologizing for the low light and cramped quarters, and not expecting such works of art.

Max and I were practicing for our San Francisco show at Hotel Utah in October. I love the feel of these, quiet and happy. Like us!

Check out Nirav's blog of the session here.

Silent Night

Free Download of Silent Night (or you can pay and donate to Care.org!)

Silent Night is so much about the nights when we would light a fire (which was every night in winter - our main source of heat in my house!). My mom used to sing this song to me as a baby. It's about peacefulness. I sing it now to both of my babies. I send them love.

I love the idea of the light coming into the darkness this time of year. I love that part of the Christmas story, the one I grew up with, of a baby coming to earth to bring us peace.

It seems to be a part of all of the stories of this time of year - lighting the minora, the solstice and the celebration of light returning to our days, celebration also of the deep darkness within. I can do without the talk of sin and even salvation. But I soak up the feeling of being ok with darkness, and loving the bits of light that come through to us.

Night is at 5pm where I live, and it's very dark, but people put tiny lights on their houses. We sit in the dark at night and look at candles. I think of my dearest baby girl who makes me laugh all the time. And I think of my dear baby boy who I miss so much right now, in big waves of love and sadness.

This time of year brings all of these things - the sadnesses, the losses, and the warm gratefulness for coffee and pie with your dad's laugh or your grandma's favorite stories. Both together - the missing and the being with people. It's intense.

I hope there is some of this warmth for you this season. I hope there is some hope. Life can be dark but there are little lights poking through that look so pretty because of the darkness they're surrounded by. It's good to feel all of these things, to be ok with all of it. Not perfection but the interesting shapes we are, with our holes and used up places too. They make us works of art.

Much love to you.

Crepusculo Released in Japan!

It's official! You can buy Crepusculo in stores in Japan and from the Nature Bliss site! We got a bunch of copies in the mail with the lyrics printed in Japanese, as well as a short interview.

It's been an honor to work with Nature Bliss. On their blog they have Crepusculo listed next to Sufjan Stevens and Aimee Mann albums, a thrill to see some of my favorite song writers next to the music we created. I get to see Sufjan on tour next week too! Exciting.

Japanese Release of Petracovich's Crepusculo October10th

Nature Bliss is releasing Crepusculo in Japan on October 10th!
Sufjan Stevensのようなフォーキー・マジカル・ポップ、そしてAimee Mannのような聴き手の心を癒す唄心を持ち合わせた作品「Crepusculo」。１枚のアルバムに潜んだストーリーと、大きな大きな愛に包まれる１枚です。

Here is a translation of what they say about the album.:

"This production/piece of work/performance integrates Sufjan Stevens’ folkie/magical/pop and Aimee Mann’s spirit-quenching heart songs. This album is one of lurking story and veiled big, big belovedness."

You can order the import here!

Show in San Francisco October 19th

FREE SONG
to pass along!

Petracovich@
HOTEL UTAH
Tuesday, October 19th
8pm, $6
with Ash Reiter
Jamie Drake

Tuesday, October 19th!

Get a free ticket if you put up a poster in SF and send us a picture of it!

send me an email at jessica@redbuttonsrecords.com to help!

A great night at a victorian-esque club, some new tunes, drums, bells, vocals, and beer. All the best things in life.

Since

I can feel it now when I sing,
The difference between now and then.
Between before I became a mama
And after.
Since I held my son in my arms
and had to let him go,
Since that shattering
And re-gathering
I think the pieces have been put back together
with more space between them,
more flexibility, more softness,
more understandings of the hurts behind people's faces
more aware of the joys in things like dahlias.

And when I sing now,
I can hear Otto there.
Which warms my heart so.
Because at first the question was
Where is he?
And it hurt so much not to know.
I have different places I see him
In the stars at night,
Particularly the planets that shine against the darkening blue,
In the sad stories on the news, other people's losses,
I hear him
in the softness of my heart that comes out my breath and in songs.
I am so glad to see him.

Music in the Sacred Trees

Sun fell through the branches in golden spots, the mosquitos glowed where the light was bright.
We sat around the quiet place and looked up, almost loving the silence more than wanting to play.

But Walking in Sunlight made the perfect entrance with "three beautiful voices, a banjo and timeless folk songs" (bay bridged), I had to really hold back not to sing along, they just lift the voice right out of you.

Heather, Max and I had such a beautiful time playing, fingers cold as the evening mist came down, in such a holy spot. Luna fell asleep to "We Must Have Been Birds".

Thank you to all who were able to come and be in this wonderful place. We hope to play at the Botanical Gardens again. It's peaceful just to drive up there and be in the hills with the plants.

Show at UC Berkeley Botanical Gardens

It's called the Redwood Amphitheater. We get to play under the trees on July 29th at 5:30pm!

I grew up under the trees in the woods of Occidental, Ca, about an hour north. The trees were like extra mothers and fathers to me. Deep shade with tufts of light, like clouds floating along the forest floor. Ferns and clover grew under the boughs, some grasses, and they moved and creaked as they swayed in the breeze. We had a hammock to dream on, and watch the bays and the redwoods mingle. On hot days, it was the most comforting scent of warm earth, spicy pine and laurel, dank clay and water from the creek. These are the smells and sounds of growing up, of coming to be in the world.

I sang all the songs of Les Miserables as loud as I could in those woods. And some Ray Charles and Patsy Cline too.

All this to say that playing under redwood trees is like being home. Like playing next to the fire where your grandparents sit.

I'm so excited to bring both together again. Music and trees. Air and song.

We'd love to see you there this Thursday with a picnic blanket and your daydreaming heart, to enjoy the low sun and our best happy tunes. Children, families, all are welcome to enjoy music and nature and support the Gardens all at once!

Garden Grooves: Redwood Grove Concert Series: Folk Rock Night

Performing Arts - Music | July 29 | 5:30-7 p.m. $15, $12 members per concert. Children under 5 Free, Children 5-17 half price.Registration info: Register by calling 510-643-2755, or by emailing garden@berkeley.edu.200 Centennial Drive, Berkeley, CA 94720-5045

Petracovich At the Pub

I drove through the Sonoma wine country on a beautiful, sunny evening to get to this show. Baby and husband stayed home and my girlfriend and I made the trip together through the green vineyards and the rolling hills and the big grandfather oaks of the place where I live.

A moment of peacefulness and wellness to soak in so many colors and so much beauty.

Parked in the lovely downtown square in Sonoma, CA and hauled my 50 pound keyboard on its wheels with heels on over cobblestones to the venue, Murphy's Irish Pub. A cozy room, I was honored to be the special guest at their weekly open mic.



To play a show just to entertain, to laugh with friends and new friends, to be still with myself and the music, is a breath of fresh air, and helps me get my lungs back. Back from years of seemingly endless promoting, from a couple years of grieving a deep loss, and from the lovely hours of mommyhood of the last 7 months.

And of coarse, it is always awesome to get free food. (Fish tacos with fresh tomato salsa and fresh cole slaw, yummmmm.) You might as well know, I think that food is one of the main reasons to keep living!

Friends came, songwriter friends Dana and Forest and Julia who played some new songs for us. So good to be a part of this community. Thanks Sean and Marty for putting it on! I had a great time.

How it's been

Since my little Otto died, I haven't written much music. It's like the wind got kicked out of me and it's tough to be in the vulnerable space that was so tender for writing. I'd feel guilty about it accept that there is no energy for that. Just surviving was good enough .

I was lucky to have Crepusculo to release and a project to focus on, cities to travel to, shows to play to get through the craziness of grief at that time. And my blogs and twitters and emails gave me things to focus on outside such pain. But they haven't told the whole picture. And now Luna is here. And I'm getting some legs under me, and I can be more honest.

And my heart is still so tender. So easy to cry when I hear the news about the war or pesticides that cause birth defects, or when I think back to the time Otto was here, and I realize now that this is my time to BE and heal. To watch butterflies in the garden, to play with books, to take in a big, gummy baby smile. To watch and feel music unfold in life. I think I'm baking, and I can't take out the new creations until they're ready to be taken out.

I love music, how a beat vibrates and moves me, how strings draw out my heart, how a good lyric can change my day, and it's nice to appreciate all the amazing work out there without just comparing myself to it, or wishing I'd written it. Just let myself be affected by it.

I hope for the music that comes in the near future to be free from needing to accomplish so much. Life really is short. I want to love it. I want my music to reflect that - the darkness and shadow of it, the light and joy of it. I'm a little intimidated to write when I have been through so much; how can I encapsulate that? I never know what is going to come out, and I suppose I just need to allow it, not plan what it should sound like. That never works anyway.

Thanks for being here for the walk of grief and joy and everything in between. Here we go.

Petracovich loves Whales in the Gulf

LISTEN
They're Sperm Whales to be specific. They can reach 60 feet and are the largest and only endangered marine mammal in the Gulf.
They dive into deep waters, the cold and dark, finding squid to eat, and can stay under the surface for 45 minutes before resurfacing.

People are worried about them because they don't have babies very often, and even if 3 whales are killed due to the oil spill, it could wipe out this population. They were already in danger.

I asked a wise and trusted friend who is very connected to the earth how she is dealing with this spill, the emotion of so much damage. She said, "you have to let your heart break open again and again and again and again."

Sometimes there is so much sadness. Sometimes we hurt, badly hurt, people and things that we love and need. We do it without thinking, without knowing. But that doesn't undo it. So I'm letting myself be sad about this. Trying to be present for all the life there. To take responsibility but not dwell in guilt. To take heart, so all the beings there can take heart. How beautiful they are, this mama and baby.

Sperm whales sing to each other. The whales are also highly social creatures that stay in tight-knit groups for 10 or more years, and mothers typically rely on other adults to look after their young. Listen to their wonderful clicky voices here. Some sounds I think I'll sample!

Petracovich Loves Sea Turtles in the Gulf

Sea Turtles of the Gulf

I once read that the oil in the earth is like her blood. And taking it out is like taking out her blood. And so, if that's true, she is hemorrhaging right now, bleeding into herself, dangerously.

I am so sad. It's not just the oil company's fault; everything I use is somehow related to oil, that's how it got to me, traveled far from China or Mexico or somewhere to my little store and into my hands. I drive a car.

And I am sorry. I'm sorry to the earth, the beautiful place I live, and my brothers and sisters who are fisherman, who are turtles, who are birds, who are fish, who are suffering now.

My thought is that if I think of them, send them my love, my best wishes, it will be something. And even better if I can use a little less, drive less, think more about all that I do.

Each week I'll post an article about a different being who is affected by the oil spill.

Any poetry, art, videos you have to share is welcome and will be posted here!

Thank you.

Jessica

Petracovich at Cornerstone Winery 4/3/10

Beautiful tasting room, rich acoustics, and a wonderful glass of Pinot from the Grange Collective.
An audience who listens and laughs, old friends, a cold night with black sky and bright stars.

Got to sing a couple newsongs on the banjo, and tunes on the keys like You Waited For Me that hasn't been played at a live show before (just Max's wedding!)

First show after Luna has come! I missed her and that missing gave me a good heartfelt place to play from. Thanks to Drew Pearce who sets up these intimate house/winery shows.

Joe Rathbone's set was great, just guitar and vocals with no mics or amplifiers, such a natural way to hear music, he's a good performer and his songs have a good hook.

Thanks to all who came, and to new people I got to meet, including Sean and Marty who played awesome renditions of Chocolate Jesus and Folsom Prison with heart-string plucking blues harmonies. Loved it!

And thanks to Hillary for some powerful vocals and the sharing of a small secret we have in common...WESTMONT! Small world.