Windows are open, cool air coming into the house. It feels like spring. I know it will go back to winter but today the air feels so good and I am just about to plant pansies and primroses outside the front door.
Life feels so good.
My little girl is napping, I have good food to eat, I have love.
This new year we are feeling more layers of cocoonness dropping off. Which is interesting because I don't know if we fully realized that they were there. For the first time since Otto died I feel like going somewhere, to travel, to visit, to see new things. It feels like a natural desire.
Such great loss really changes life. For years we are coming out of the layers of blankets, one by one. But this is not such a bad thing. It makes everything... MORE. You know that line from the song by Peter Bjorn and John, Objects of My Affection, "I laugh more often now, I cry more often now, I am more me." I love that song.
I think that now I understand, I have experienced, more about death, and it's more real that there is no way to hold on to all we have, it makes days like this immeasurably special. A day to plant flowers in early February, a day to smell the air, to take a walk with my beautiful little girl who is learning to walk and who loves rubbing her hands in dirt and sand and rocks.
It is so freeing. My life isn't measured so much in how many people like what I do, it's measured more easily in how much I am able to tune in to the wonders around me. And make it into music, or a landscape, or a drawing. It is much easier to live this way, with the support of the earth and the stars all around.
I am so grateful for this. I miss my little boy so much, and I love him so much, and I am coming out of blaming myself so much or needing to hibernate. I respect those times too. They had to happen.
And so my friends, I am writing songs again, very open, airy and meandering as I am in the phase of listening, being, and letting the next work make itself known. Waiting, unfolding, happy.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Photos of Petracovich Practice Session
Our friend Nirav Patel is an amazing photographer. When he asked to come shoot our practice session we were excited but also apologizing for the low light and cramped quarters, and not expecting such works of art.Max and I were practicing for our San Francisco show at Hotel Utah in October. I love the feel of these, quiet and happy. Like us!
Check out Nirav's blog of the session here.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Silent Night
Free Download of Silent Night (or you can pay and donate to Care.org!)
Silent Night is so much about the nights when we would light a fire (which was every night in winter - our main source of heat in my house!). My mom used to sing this song to me as a baby. It's about peacefulness. I sing it now to both of my babies. I send them love.
I love the idea of the light coming into the darkness this time of year. I love that part of the Christmas story, the one I grew up with, of a baby coming to earth to bring us peace.
It seems to be a part of all of the stories of this time of year - lighting the minora, the solstice and the celebration of light returning to our days, celebration also of the deep darkness within. I can do without the talk of sin and even salvation. But I soak up the feeling of being ok with darkness, and loving the bits of light that come through to us.
Night is at 5pm where I live, and it's very dark, but people put tiny lights on their houses. We sit in the dark at night and look at candles. I think of my dearest baby girl who makes me laugh all the time. And I think of my dear baby boy who I miss so much right now, in big waves of love and sadness.
This time of year brings all of these things - the sadnesses, the losses, and the warm gratefulness for coffee and pie with your dad's laugh or your grandma's favorite stories. Both together - the missing and the being with people. It's intense.
I hope there is some of this warmth for you this season. I hope there is some hope. Life can be dark but there are little lights poking through that look so pretty because of the darkness they're surrounded by. It's good to feel all of these things, to be ok with all of it. Not perfection but the interesting shapes we are, with our holes and used up places too. They make us works of art.
Much love to you.
Silent Night is so much about the nights when we would light a fire (which was every night in winter - our main source of heat in my house!). My mom used to sing this song to me as a baby. It's about peacefulness. I sing it now to both of my babies. I send them love.
I love the idea of the light coming into the darkness this time of year. I love that part of the Christmas story, the one I grew up with, of a baby coming to earth to bring us peace.
It seems to be a part of all of the stories of this time of year - lighting the minora, the solstice and the celebration of light returning to our days, celebration also of the deep darkness within. I can do without the talk of sin and even salvation. But I soak up the feeling of being ok with darkness, and loving the bits of light that come through to us.
Night is at 5pm where I live, and it's very dark, but people put tiny lights on their houses. We sit in the dark at night and look at candles. I think of my dearest baby girl who makes me laugh all the time. And I think of my dear baby boy who I miss so much right now, in big waves of love and sadness.
This time of year brings all of these things - the sadnesses, the losses, and the warm gratefulness for coffee and pie with your dad's laugh or your grandma's favorite stories. Both together - the missing and the being with people. It's intense.
I hope there is some of this warmth for you this season. I hope there is some hope. Life can be dark but there are little lights poking through that look so pretty because of the darkness they're surrounded by. It's good to feel all of these things, to be ok with all of it. Not perfection but the interesting shapes we are, with our holes and used up places too. They make us works of art.
Much love to you.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Crepusculo Released in Japan!
It's official! You can buy Crepusculo in stores in Japan and from the Nature Bliss site! We got a bunch of copies in the mail with the lyrics printed in Japanese, as well as a short interview.
It's been an honor to work with Nature Bliss. On their blog they have Crepusculo listed next to Sufjan Stevens and Aimee Mann albums, a thrill to see some of my favorite song writers next to the music we created. I get to see Sufjan on tour next week too! Exciting.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Japanese Release of Petracovich's Crepusculo October10th
Nature Bliss is releasing Crepusculo in Japan on October 10th!
Sufjan Stevensのようなフォーキー・マジカル・ポップ、そしてAimee Mannのような聴き手の心を癒す唄心を持ち合わせた作品「Crepusculo」。１枚のアルバムに潜んだストーリーと、大きな大きな愛に包まれる１枚です。
Here is a translation of what they say about the album.:
"This production/piece of work/performance integrates Sufjan Stevens’ folkie/magical/pop and Aimee Mann’s spirit-quenching heart songs. This album is one of lurking story and veiled big, big belovedness."
You can order the import here!
Sufjan Stevensのようなフォーキー・マジカル・ポップ、そしてAimee Mannのような聴き手の心を癒す唄心を持ち合わせた作品「Crepusculo」。１枚のアルバムに潜んだストーリーと、大きな大きな愛に包まれる１枚です。 Here is a translation of what they say about the album.:
"This production/piece of work/performance integrates Sufjan Stevens’ folkie/magical/pop and Aimee Mann’s spirit-quenching heart songs. This album is one of lurking story and veiled big, big belovedness."
You can order the import here!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Show in San Francisco October 19th
FREE SONG
to pass along!
Petracovich@
HOTEL UTAH
Tuesday, October 19th
8pm, $6
with Ash Reiter
Jamie Drake
Tuesday, October 19th!
Get a free ticket if you put up a poster in SF and send us a picture of it!
send me an email at jessica@redbuttonsrecords.com to help!
A great night at a victorian-esque club, some new tunes, drums, bells, vocals, and beer. All the best things in life.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Since
I can feel it now when I sing,
The difference between now and then.
Between before I became a mama
And after.
Since I held my son in my arms
and had to let him go,
Since that shattering
And re-gathering
I think the pieces have been put back together
with more space between them,
more flexibility, more softness,
more understandings of the hurts behind people's faces
more aware of the joys in things like dahlias.
And when I sing now,
I can hear Otto there.
Which warms my heart so.
Because at first the question was
Where is he?
And it hurt so much not to know.
I have different places I see him
In the stars at night,
Particularly the planets that shine against the darkening blue,
In the sad stories on the news, other people's losses,
I hear him
in the softness of my heart that comes out my breath and in songs.
I am so glad to see him.
The difference between now and then.
Between before I became a mama
And after.
Since I held my son in my arms
and had to let him go,
Since that shattering
And re-gathering
I think the pieces have been put back together
with more space between them,
more flexibility, more softness,
more understandings of the hurts behind people's faces
more aware of the joys in things like dahlias.
And when I sing now,
I can hear Otto there.
Which warms my heart so.
Because at first the question was
Where is he?
And it hurt so much not to know.
I have different places I see him
In the stars at night,
Particularly the planets that shine against the darkening blue,
In the sad stories on the news, other people's losses,
I hear him
in the softness of my heart that comes out my breath and in songs.
I am so glad to see him.
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